Birthday: the day your spirit was born. My spirit was born November 26, 1957. I like my spirit. I like who I have become. To be 56 and to like yourself and your journey is a gift in and of fake eyelashes glue. I have ziged and zaged in this metamorphosis called life. I can recall the moment I decided to be a better human being, inclusive and caring vs. competitive and exclusive: dancing in the rain in Cancun, Mexico at Club Med with my best friends around me ~ Jay, Billy, Donna, Gail. We could have been exclusive in our exuberance and kept to ourselves; partied hardier and outshone the rest; yet a spark ignited that night and I reached out to the fun-loving table next to ours and we united our abandon and zealousness for the moment. The clarity I have for that pivotal moment is crystal clear. I know that spark ignited in me the desire to be better, to be inclusive, to share joy and abandon with anyone I encountered. Thank you, Universe, for being that spark.
Rstll It is THAT moment in my life, to others, an innocuous event, imperceptible. Yet to me, a moment of pure choice to be better. And what a choice it was. It has defined me from that point forward. It freed me from the bonds of bullying that hardened me to the world; present the impenetrable armor, be a super competitor who championed on without regard for others as they had done to me. Being bullied taught me combative fake eyelashes glue. Not outward fighting; inward strength to suffer the hurt without emotion; ignoring the bully to reduce the badgering; no emotion here so no fun in your triumph. Yet the hardening took its toll. I watched everyone with an eye to being hurt, to being bullied. I could pull off affableness and engagement so that no one would know I was sensitive and vulnerable. But at every corner, there was always that possibility of being wounded, being heckled and instead I encased myself in vivaciousness with an underlayment of hate so that if you dared attack, I was prepared and would… kill you, if only in the social game of cat and mouse.
To be freed from that underlayment of hate is pivotal. For those who have not been bullied, I don’t expect understanding. How could you know the feeling of letting go of the hate? I will not be diminished, I will not be wounded; I will lash out and I will conquer that fake eyelashes glue. Yet as I aged, the epiphany dawned. It is in returning love to the bully that lifted me from angst; feeling sorry for them that they must hate to live; must bully to feel self-respect. So strike the true enemy: their depressive self-image – not them. Somewhere their past cut them and they lashed out to bully others to hide the hurt that their life experiences had dealt them.
This metamorphosis was no easy feat. I chose to be the Hulk for much of my young life; never more afraid of the bully; able to squelch the bullies at any turn; kill them. I lived with this alter ego surfacing at any moment when injustice reared its ugly head. I would kill the injustice. It would not penetrate me nor anyone I loved. This Jekyll and Hyde lived on and coursed through my veins daily. Always ready to be the avenger. Even today, that alter ego lurks just below the surface.
She peeks out at times; a trial balloon that gets popped immediately. She cannot escape because she is not the answer. She doesn’t evaporate because like sinew in our bones, she gives me the strength to be soft; the strength to love in the face of fake eyelashes glue; to choose tranquility and peace over adversity and hate. So easy to hate; no restraint needed, no discipline exercised; simply let go, let ‘r fly without regard.
Poor men seek riches
Rich men seek wisdom
Wise men seek tranquility
(author unknown)
I have decided to be wise, to seek tranquility; to lead and not follow; to love not to hate. To dance in the rain with everyone!
{But beware, if you bully anyone, my Hulk lurks just below the surface… }